A Brief Introduction to Hell.

Coming ready or not, life after death.

HELL IS FULL OF DEMONS who treated every living thing like shit when they were human beings and nothing has changed. Fortunately, however, that doesn’t include everyone else in the Infernal Realm because lots of Hell’s "citizens" ain’t so bad really but they’re just far too bent for those “snotty bastards in Heaven.”

New Hades, the capital of Hell.

THE GATES OF HELL.
First timers are always amazed at how high-tech and organised everything is. Particularly the way the Gates of Hell resemble modern airport facilities. Dazed and bewildered, to say the very least, after their death experience and their spectacular incarnation into fresh afterlife flesh, there is momentary comfort in the familiarity of the shiny chrome escalators and the sparkling white tiles. That is until everyone finally wakes up to where the hell they really are. That explains all the shrieking, crying, gnashing and cursing going on. But words can’t describe the reactions of atheists or lapsed Catholics, which always cracks up the Gates of Hell guards. Not to mention the terror on Scientologist's faces when they read the neon sign over the rows of processing booths:

As Ye Have Sown, So Shall Ye Reap!

On top of which, you’re also as buck naked as Michelangelo’s David, so it’s always a tremendous relief to discover that you’ve got this spunky new afterlife body, with no more than three score on the clock. Which you’re not so thrilled to find out later is good for at least fifty billion years hard labour. Unhappily there’s no corresponding improvement in the IQ department and any minute it’s all up to you to cut a deal with some smart-arse demon freak in a crimson and gold spandex jumpsuit, about where the devil you’re going to end up, for God only knows how long?

The Great Satan Corporation runs the Gates of Hell.

THE STOCKYARDS OF THE DAMNED.
Second port of call in Hell for all new afterlifers is New Hades. Lucifer's ex capital is a high-tech megacity where millions of demons are barely controlled by elite celestial cops known as Avenging Angels, who took over when Big Lucy was locked up.

"The Stockyards of the Damned" aka the New Hades Municipal Clearing Houses, are the next step in the processing system after the Gates of Hell, where after a quick shower and a scrub, all the naked new afterlifers are rounded up and auctioned like cattle.

Welcome to Hell.

Tales from the files of a demon detective, doing business in Hell.