YO HO HO

Escape from the traffic in Hell, take a voyage on the Great Lava Ocean.

Lava dreadnaught crossing the Great Lava Ocean on a balmy day.

HOLY HELL! is a franchise. It will launch with a feature movie, that will not only be made in state-of-the-art 3D animation, but also 3–D (using the special glasses). Over 3000 American cinemas are being equipped to handle 3–D, it's definitely the Next Big Thing, but everything currently being made in Hollywood is for little kids (yawn). So HOLY HELL! will fix that for us big kids in spades.


The HOLY HELL! franchise will extend to a mobile TV serial, which will take full advantage of the unbelievable case files of two demon detectives doing business in Hell for 500 years. Magimation is convinced these extraordinary tales will become compelling TV, especially the series involving Adolf Hitler.

In other words, Philip Marlowe on steroids in Hell.

Pinky Cohoba, demon detective.

Pinky burns rubber on the way to see a client in New Hades.

New Hades, the high-tech capital of Hell. Pop. 100 million demons.

HELL IS CORPORATE HEAVEN

No holds barred, take no prisoners capitalism is all the go in Hell.

THE TWO BIGGEST CORPORATIONS IN HELL are The Great Satan Corporation and Sinistrari & Sinistrari. The latter is especially renowned for the quality of its high-tech, including nuclear turbos, lava submarines and weapons for every purpose.

Wireframe model of the Sinistrari BK9. Known as the "Nightstalker".

Duels are big in the Infernal Realm.
Duelling is spontaneous in Hell. Fast draw gun schools are as popular as lust bars. Everyone is armed to the max and "Bombs, Burgers, Bullets & Bourbon" are all instantly available from gigantic sidewalk vending machines the size of govt. buildings.

EVEN THE GOOD GUYS LOOK SCARY IN HELL.

More heroes and some villains.

Obergruppenfuhrer Wolfgang Von Helmoltz entered Hell in 1941.

Wolfgang Von Helmoltz III

WOLFGANG VON HELMOLTZ manages Amos Itzgrae’s battle-limo custom body shop and he often rides shotgun when the two detectives are on a dicey mission. "Wolfie" arrived in Hell sixty-five years ago, not long after his Tiger ran out of fuel and ammo when he was only twenty-eight kilometres from Red Square in 1941, just when five T-34s were coming over the hill.

Kritz Mazzikin, lust bar operator.

KRITZ MAZZIKIN
Time in Hell so far: 766 years.
Kritz has got a face that looks like it's been deep fried in napalm. Kritz freelances as Lord Ahriman’s hatchet-demon and he also operates a successful Pulsating Face of Lust© franchise, one of the biggest lust bar brands in Hell. Kritz is a dedicated enemy of the two demon gumshoes. He would love to have their guts for garters and he intends to do something about it.

Maxine Gehenna, Mayor of New Hades,

MAXINE GEHENNA
Time in Hell so far: 38 years.
Nothin’ much happens in New Hades without the Mayor knowing something about it. "Mad Max" used to run an elite chain of extreme S & M brothels right across Europe when she was mortal, until the mafia nailed her in Naples. Her rapid rise to power in Hell is unprecedented and a tribute to her excess of natural-born, street-rat cunning.

Astral Wild, fresh flesh broker.

ASTRAL WILD
Time in Hell so far: 973 years.
A fresh flesh broker for the Pulsating Face of Lust Corporation, Miss Wild has her sights on becoming a big shot, filthy rich New Hades’ lawyer and she will do almost anything to succeed, which is really saying something in Hell.

Cagliostro, ex Vampire of Cairo.

CAGLIOSTRO
Time in Hell so far: 143 years.
"Caggy" was the Vampire of Cairo, until a very angry crowd rammed a big wooden stake through his heart and sent him to Hell, ending two hundred years of having a really lovely time in one awful night. Originally an Italian playboy count, Caggy was a victim of a beautiful female vampire when he was exploring the Great Pyramid in the 15th Century.

Big Lucy's private crest.

ARCHANGEL LUCIFER
aka BIG LUCY, KING OF HELL, SATAN, MEPHISTO, etc.
Demigod. Sociopath. Spoilt brat. Drop dead gorgeous, Big Lucy can charm the pants of anything in Creation. But it's not doing him much good in Charon, the Avenging Angels' maximum security prison on the Isle of Pandemonia, somewhere in the Great Lava Ocean, where he’s been incarcerated for the last two thousand years for trying to take over the Mortal Universe.

COMING READY OR NOT, LIFE AFTER DEATH.

Hell's favourite bourbon.

With good reason, they do a helluva lot of boozing in the Infernal Realm.

You can get Banshee Bourbon on tap in your home in Hell.

WEAPON SHOPS.
It’s virtually no holds barred in Hell, of course, so supermarket sized chain stores like Kingdom Come, Ammoland and Blitz Boys! are everywhere. Packed to the rafters with everything in Creation that can maim and murder short of thermonuclear devices. Backed up with more hard liquor and wild chemicals than a prohibitionist's worst nightmare. So it’s unbelievable that the stores are sacrosanct zones where violence is VERBOTEN!

Nobody said Hell wasn't high-tech.

This is what they drive in Hell, baby.

Pinky's favourite battle-limo, the Mk III Battle-Hammer.

150 TONS OF FULL METAL MAYHEM.
BATTLE-LIMOS are a cross between a battleship and a stretch limousine. Atomic powered, capable of 400 mph, battle-limos are as big as semi-trailers. They average between fifty to two hundred tons and they all look like they could have been designed by a raving megalomaniac in the Detroit mafia during the chrome crazy Fifties. Battles between them not at all dissimilar to the close quarter naval encounters of Horatio Nelson’s day, only at breakneck speeds on highways with more craters than the moon.

Battle-limo guns pop up like Inspector Gadget was in charge.

HIROSHIMA MK X
New Hades Motors' popular Hiroshima Mk X, is a classic cruiser-class battle-limo. The Mk X is designed to carry a battle crew of twenty (most of them gunners). It features such niceties as GPS navigation, marble bathrooms, wine cellar, gourmet kitchen, luxury accommodation for twelve guests, Sinistrari reactors and it'll do forty million miles on a single slug of premium U235.

Hiroshima Mk X – 180 tons of mass destruction.

Scale of Hiroshima Mk X vs Battle-Hammer Mk III.

COMING READY OR NOT, LIFE AFTER DEATH.

Supernatural sci-fi from way beyond the grave.

Tales from the files of a demon
detective doing business in Hell.

Pinky Cohoba.

PINKY COHOBA, THE DEMON DETECTIVE, operates out of an office above a nightclub in New Hades, the greatest city in Hell, population one hundred million or so demons. Not including endless fresh afterlifers, who pour in constantly from the mortal universe in their spunky new bodies. But they get dispersed all over Hell after they transform into demons. However, more about this thoroughly traumatic but extremely interesting process later.

OVER FOUR CENTURIES IN HELL.
Pinky Cohoba has been in Hell now for four hundred and thirty-eight years. Pinky has always played hard and dangerous, especially on his sax. He's got an uncanny resemblance to Ernest Borgnine, a wacky sense of humour and a strong affection for all shades of pink. Not to mention enhanced abilities with plastic explosives, stormguns, martinis and daiquiris. Needless to say, Pinky and Amos Itzgrae, his detective buddy, have racked up some hellraising adventures in the Infernal Realm. Mainly because most of the time they end up with the cases Hell's cops, the mighty Avenging Angels, won't touch with a pitchfork.

Amos Itzgrae.

AMOS ITZGRAE, BABE MAGNET, has been in Hell for over one thousand years. He was previously an undercover agent with the Avenging Angels but he got sacked after Bright Solaris, his Avenging Angel boss, was framed for conspiring with Big Lucy, aka the Prince of Darkness, Father of Lies, etc. Amos owns the Zanzibar club and Hot Bods, a battle-limo body shop he inherited after a game of Russian roulette. Unfortunately, both businesses are hardly making a brass razoo, so the detective agency is really the only thing keeping the werewolves from his jugular.

HELL'S COPS.
Volunteers for one of the toughest jobs in Creation, Avenging Angels have eyes like fire and skin like glowing jewels. Contrary to most beliefs, angels don’t have wings but AA's can still fly like F18's and in stark contrast to Hell’s trigger happy citizens, have no use for weapons. Because the things Avenging Angels can do with their telekinetic minds makes them plenty lethal enough.

LAWYERS.
Another bizarre thing about Hell is the way the damned actually have some rights, with demon lawyers thick on the ground to defend them. Indeed, most of the big legal firms on Earth have thriving hereafter operations. One prestigious London outfit actually enjoying direct access to its partners in New Hades, via a porcelain portal in the chairman’s luxury private bathroom.

A Brief Introduction to Hell.

Coming ready or not, life after death.

HELL IS FULL OF DEMONS who treated every living thing like shit when they were human beings and nothing has changed. Fortunately, however, that doesn’t include everyone else in the Infernal Realm because lots of Hell’s "citizens" ain’t so bad really but they’re just far too bent for those “snotty bastards in Heaven.”

New Hades, the capital of Hell.

THE GATES OF HELL.
First timers are always amazed at how high-tech and organised everything is. Particularly the way the Gates of Hell resemble modern airport facilities. Dazed and bewildered, to say the very least, after their death experience and their spectacular incarnation into fresh afterlife flesh, there is momentary comfort in the familiarity of the shiny chrome escalators and the sparkling white tiles. That is until everyone finally wakes up to where the hell they really are. That explains all the shrieking, crying, gnashing and cursing going on. But words can’t describe the reactions of atheists or lapsed Catholics, which always cracks up the Gates of Hell guards. Not to mention the terror on Scientologist's faces when they read the neon sign over the rows of processing booths:

As Ye Have Sown, So Shall Ye Reap!

On top of which, you’re also as buck naked as Michelangelo’s David, so it’s always a tremendous relief to discover that you’ve got this spunky new afterlife body, with no more than three score on the clock. Which you’re not so thrilled to find out later is good for at least fifty billion years hard labour. Unhappily there’s no corresponding improvement in the IQ department and any minute it’s all up to you to cut a deal with some smart-arse demon freak in a crimson and gold spandex jumpsuit, about where the devil you’re going to end up, for God only knows how long?

The Great Satan Corporation runs the Gates of Hell.

THE STOCKYARDS OF THE DAMNED.
Second port of call in Hell for all new afterlifers is New Hades. Lucifer's ex capital is a high-tech megacity where millions of demons are barely controlled by elite celestial cops known as Avenging Angels, who took over when Big Lucy was locked up.

"The Stockyards of the Damned" aka the New Hades Municipal Clearing Houses, are the next step in the processing system after the Gates of Hell, where after a quick shower and a scrub, all the naked new afterlifers are rounded up and auctioned like cattle.

Welcome to Hell.

Tales from the files of a demon detective, doing business in Hell.